My petition. I like that word because looking it up, it’s synonym is pray. It’s Lent right now and this year I decided that I wanted to participate. I haven’t been fasting but have committed to walking a path where I took the rose-colored glasses off when observing the nature of my heart in my everyday. I am not taking a flashlight to find cluttered and unkept corners, more just looking plainly at the day to day movements and inviting myself to really get curious when I see, hear, feel and am drawn to things. This season of reflection, literally, has been illuminative in showing some quaking of my heart, the timidity of movement or confidence that I had not been acquainted with before.
I've been asked a lot recently the ‘why’ behind my dreams, really a dream that I’m going after right now. I watched myself respond with the safest answer. I mean that I did not give an answer that I was ok with, not even one that had life on it. The life that I feel as I practice and take steps towards being one with my dream; a true convergence and the joy of Papa God.
Why? Why did I answer that way? What was the disappearing act that I just felt myself do?
I’m not talking about chiding myself for not being vulnerable with friends or acquaintances when it comes to dreams in my life; which sometimes seems like there is no protocol around how to share that well anyway because if it's the plan/will of God for you it should be known to all right?
What I noticed in my answer wasn’t about being confined to that construct but more so the seizing of my heart, timid in using my voice to place my life’s petition for my fullest thriving self out there.
I was silenced by the fear of saying my ‘why’. My ‘why’ is entangled in experiences that have led me to this place of risk where I walk a tightrope of acting upon what I dream and falling on my face from taking the risk.
So I guess my hesitation to say that I love my dream and this is why I want to do it, cause me to take a pause and petition myself to see ‘why’ inside I am scared of my own voice, scared of the resounding yes. What will it do when I feel the ‘yes’ instead of agreeing with my new mindset.
“Out of the heart comes the wellspring of life” My heart is my gatekeeper, my knower and I have found myself out.
I will eventually have a composed thought at the end of this current revelation but for now, I am getting acquainted with my heart. Building trust with my heart, getting curious about myself: one that is truly awakened to my story. And I believe that my heart can take my story seriously. Graft itself in with what I know to be true. We will and we are dreaming together. I can see the path where this leads, where I am going to be fully congruent with myself and I’m so glad that I gave even the timid yes and took off those #*$@& glasses.