Wings and Feet: New Year
It is amazing how one day is all that separates the old from new. I always tend to feel unsettled and exhilarated when the end and the beginning are right on the heels of each other. Usually by October, my head is already in the middle of next year but not this year. It is December, the very end of it, and I am feeling more grounded than ever. I am pondering the moments of 2018 deeply and carefully. My tears fall as I do because with the remembering comes the emotions of the moments and I feel them again. I feel the joy, the sorrow, the regret, the laughter, the pain, the victory, the courage, the disappointment, the risk, the failure, the exciting, the adventure, the grief, the mystery, and now...the almost new beginning. As I ponder this year, I realize that a new precedent was quietly being built. Living. The one thing that has struck me the most about this year is that I lived it. I truly lived it. I didn’t coast through my own life. I didn’t just breathe and call that living. I lived the guts out of this year, and because of that I feel grounded at the end of it, filled with such a deep gratitude that it is the very present moment I am relishing the most. And this present moment is my launching pad for the next year. Except I do not feel like I am sky rocketing through the air into another planet. It is more like an intentional stride forward, a continual motion towards life.
In the middle of my reflection I also take into account all that I accomplished, or didn’t. It’s a weird tension when you feel proud and disappointed with yourself at the same time. I feel like I did so much. So many different things, fun things and so very different. Sometimes I think “geez, what would I be so stellar at if I only did one thing instead of 14 things!” That is not a healthy thought for me. It leads me running hard down a path of uneven pavement. I end up falling, realizing that I’m not a 1 thing kind of girl. My knees have bled many times from this fall and I have learned, the bloody way, that boxing myself in is not the best idea. I am a 14 things kind of girl and once I learned, not only to embrace but to love that about me, I began to give myself permission to enjoy whichever of the 14 was in front of me. I’m not talking about whim and flightiness. I’m talking about giving your hearts desires room to breathe and be acknowledged by action. Here’s another thing I’ve realized...I can trust my heart. I can trust that the map of my destiny is embedded in my very true heart desires. I do not have a desire to be an astronaut or study economics. I do not wake early itching to create lovely food in the kitchen. It’s not me. I do love poetry and will probably join a writing circle this year. I do love dancing and continue to go to classes. I also like being at home with my family and just pittering around my home. My essence is actually quite defined and as I grow to understand who I am (part of understanding who you are is getting down to what you really want) I grow in confidence that I can trust my heart to lead the way.
The journal I’m currently filling has a picture of a bird and quote by Rumi on the cover “you were born with wings.” Birds do have wings. They also have feet. It’s completely appropriate for a bird both to fly and ground itself. It’s built that way. Even as it soars it has the ability to land. I have given myself permission to do both. I soar high and gain a perspective on my life as I follow the 14 things. It’s so fulfilling and fun because I have an opportunity to wreck all the boxes I created for myself. It’s so good to surprise yourself and you know what my heart tells me in the aftermath “high five girl! I knew all along you had it in you.” I need to use my wings and fly. I also need to use my feet and find anchor points along my journey to keep me on the path that is truly life giving because my goal is not to land somewhere on accident. My goal is to be intentional and that is defined by following the pulse of life. When I stand still, I can feel the earth beneath me pulsing, beating. My feet have a chance to dance and celebrate the thrill of the flight.
As we are on the cusp of a new year, my prayer for us all is that we would deeply live our lives. So is it wings or feet that you are needing now? Whatever it is, let yourself feel it all. The bite of the cold wind, as you soar, that also kisses you with a deep sense of joy. The mush of the earth, as you bury your toes in it, that nurtures growth in all the seen and unseen places of your life. You are worthy to actually live an amazing 2019. You have permission to soar and to ground. You got this girl! I’m right there in the arena with you.