That day was not my best of keeping my peace, not even close. On the way back to our new home (which was supposed to be our new safe haven) I lost it on my kids, again. The screaming and accusations that tired, transitioning, traumatized toddlers fling at their moms were so thick in our Cheerio littered van I couldn’t take it anymore. I whipped into the driveway, darted out of the driver’s seat and flung the garage door open with the ease that rage brings. I pulled the van fully into the garage and pulled the garage door closed again as quickly as possible to barricade us in and hopefully shield my neighbors of what may come next.
In an effort to expel the anger bubbling inside, I slammed the driver door closed hoping I could project all my fury into that piece of steel instead of my kids. That slam would teach me more over the following months than I could have imagined. Don’t worry I didn’t wail on my kids. We all came out unscathed. Well, all except the van. The next morning as I loaded us up and began our day the realization that I had broken the door sensor hit me like a squawk from a prehistoric seagull. My van thought that this sleep deprived mom had left a door ajar somewhere and did not want anything tumbling out mid journey. The door ajar alarm became my constant reminder of my inability to get a grip, my humanness. Yes, the beeping would eventually turn off as we rolled down the highway, but with every stop it started its timed response all over again. This was like nails on the chalkboard of my weary soul. Beeeeeep, beeeeeeeeep, beeeeeeep, beeeeeeeeeep!!!!!!!
I tried several different times to get the van in for service. In a city that is one of the fastest growing in America, it became very evident that it would take massive scheduling and a tiny village to get this thing resolved. So we just kept beeping along. I would turn up the music to drown out the sound which in turn would turn up the volume of my children and the anxiety in my heart.
One morning I dropped the kids off after the annoying ride to my sisters and was then headed to work. About 6 minutes into the second leg of the commute I realized I felt relaxed. Wait, was this even a bit of silence? The sensor had worked properly upon closing my door. It was the best commute! I had clarity and ease. It only happened once but that was enough for me to believe that normalcy could once again be mine!
Over the next month it would randomly work, and it was pure bliss. It was fixing itself! There was no special trick or time of day. It was completely erratic. I then realized this van and its broken sensor are the way I’ve been navigating my life.
My life has been so banged up that the brokenness is sometimes the thing screaming the loudest at me. The beeping takes so much effort to drown out that I can’t focus on what is at hand. There is so much brain clutter that I forget I’m driving this baby somewhere! The point of getting in the car is not to just focus on drowning out the horrendous noise, but to get to where you set out to be. My growth and healing feel so erratic at times I can easily forget how far I’ve come. I recently listened to some of the words my wholehearted and courageous women have given me over the last few months. I was quite floored because the growth and movement in my heart have actually been exponential. I’ve been saying for years that how I feel is not who I am, and it has never been truer. I feel quite banged up these days, but I am a serious force that will not lie down.
I’m happy to report that the van sensor has completely fixed itself. There is an odd time its tries to start acting broken, but I just gently re-shut the door after I’ve started rolling. Just like me. I’m rolling and have a destination picked out. When my junk starts screaming or I slip into survival mode, I remind myself that this too is just for a time. I’m running with the best ladies who inspire me by chasing their own dreams, to do lists, or just showing up with their sensor beeping in my face. We are all rolling forward, cracked windshields, spares and broken bleeping beepers. Keep rollin’! Can’t wait to see you out there on the road!