Follow Your Wild
I have been using the word "impulsive" a lot lately to describe myself. It sounds negative but I've come to embrace this as a strength, as a unique mark of who I am and how I function. Following my impulse is the same thing as following my wild. And WILD is a word, a posture of heart, a lifestyle I have fully abandoned myself to. Staying true to my wild keeps me grounded in my essence, which is the truest expression of who I am, who I have always been as God first imagined me before revealing me to the world. I often find myself in situations thinking, "how in the world did I get here?" Crazy, fun, and such deeply life giving moments that give me opportunities to be stretched beyond what I think I am capable of. Moments, where I never would've known or discovered that I actually love what I am doing unless I had given way to the wild.
I don't argue with my wild anymore. When something captures me in that deep place, I stop to honor that desire and give it room to breath instead of suffocating it with fear. There have been so many dreams and desires in my life that I never gave a chance to see the light of day. I was too afraid to acknowledge that I really did desire those dreams to be fulfilled. I was too afraid to let myself be seen, not because I would look like a fool, but because I might just really love what I was doing and joy is a very vulnerable emotion. Instead of joy I chose fear and stayed hidden for many years. I did what I was good at, but the things I was good at didn't always bring me life. My wild has liberated me to embrace my own heart with such a fierce love that I have promised to never betray myself again. The cost is too high, and my heart is far too valuable to be thrown into 2nd place. Jesus died for my heart to be whole, healed, thriving, pumping with life. The depth of His sacrifice reveals my true worth. I honor His love by honoring who He has made me to be and stewarding the gift of my life by honoring my wild. Because this is my essence, living from this place is exactly where I will live my fullest life and bring Him the most glory. I am not being made into someone new, rather I am emerging, throwing off shrouds and versions of myself that hid and protected what I didn't know already had permission to shine bright because I was loved and protected even before I took my first breath.
For me, living authentically means to acknowledge what my heart is moving towards and to yield to that desire by giving it space to form into action. This feels so scary a lot of times. I don't feel like a superhero when I move towards those desires. Often, I feel completely out of my depth and nervous out of my mind. But following my wild will always lead me in the eye of the storm and only the truly wild will allow movement to follow desire. It's a scary place to be at first but I have learned that being scared and living in fear are two very different things. One requires an intentional act of courage to keep moving towards all that makes you afraid. The other is merciless and castrates your potency, steals your voice, leaving you mute and lame. It kills you every time you choose it. We must embrace the truth that our voice is essential to the times we live in. When our voice is aligned with our hearts, when our actions move in the flow our wild, when our choices come from a place of depth and desire and true heart, we pour breath and life into who we are. We nurture and honor the God given destiny we carry deep within. And we can do that with one simple choice to say yes to the quiet leanings of our heart. We do it once, we can do it again and again, until it becomes our way of life and living by fear becomes alien instead of natural. This is redemption. Not just a rescue, but utter union with our Alpha who breathed into us His breath and delights when He sees us embracing, not resisting, who we are truly made to be. I am wild. I am. I cannot fit in box.
This is how it works for me. I was asked to be part of a team of artists who minister on stage. I recognize the quickening in my heart, I know what the flutter feels like. I honor the desire and give my yes EVEN THOUGH I cannot draw or paint. Isn’t that funny? And I say yes, I can do it in a week. I’m so nervous and try to think of all the youtube tutorials I can look up in 7 days. Quickly I recognize the hustle to be someone I’m not and halt my steps. I have to deliberately reorient myself and turn my face back to Him. I got lost in serving Him and that is NEVER, NEVER His heart for me. When I connect to His heart and my heart, I know what I want to do. I want to worship and break the confines of what I think this should look like. So there I am on stage, as a creative, ministering. No drawing skills, no paintings skills, no box to confine me. I am much bigger than that. And so are you! You can say YES to things you feel unqualified for but truly desire in your heart. You can follow your wild and trust that that instinct will lead you to life. You can choose courage and do it all afraid while muting fear. You can wild one! You absolutely can!!